Tag Archives: Life Coach

Exodus from the Narrows

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At this time of year the Jewish people celebrate the holiday of Passover in which we tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt, when the Jewish people escaped from slavery and became free.

Although some read the text literally, there are many others who read the story metaphorically. The Hebrew word for Egypt is “Mitzrayim” translated literally as “the narrows.”

What does it mean to be in the narrows? And what does it mean to leave the narrows to become free?

There are many types of Mitzrayim; of “the narrows”. Sometimes the narrows are a physical location in which we find ourselves trapped. Sometimes the narrows are about the relationships in our lives and the constraints they put upon us. But sometimes our Mitzrayims are internal- a narrowness of heart and mind that squeezes and confines us. Leaving such narrowness is indeed a struggle of epic proportions- an Exodus that each one of us may at some point need to embark upon.

Every year Jews are commanded to retell the story of the Exodus, to recall the confinement of Mitzrayim and expansiveness of freedom. It is a holiday that every year invites its participants to feel as though they themselves left Mitzrayim.

I would suggest that the invitation is not merely to remember the Exodus, but to embark upon it. Leaving behind the narrowness in your life can be quite difficult. It can feel like a long and arduous journey. But the rewards of the journey are worth it.

Imagine what it would feel like to escape the narrows of your life; to live in a way that is expansive and open. Imagine what it would feel like to live in a way that honors your values and makes you feel truly free.

In each one of us is the potential for such an Exodus. Our Mitrzayims and our freedoms may be different, but each one of us holds the potential for a meaningful Exodus story, one in which we go from the narrows to more open vistas.

A Voicemail Present

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I am long since passed the age when birthdays bring parties and confetti. Nowadays, my cake has enough candles to set off the smoke alarm. Instead, birthdays now offer moments to reflect on my life and my journey.

But I still get presents. And like anyone, I enjoy a good present. This year, the best gift I received came in a surprising form. It arrived in the form of a voicemail.

I turned on my cell phone and saw a message from an old friend. He and I have been playing telephone tag for several weeks and it was nice to see his name. I pressed play and it began as a normal birthday message. “Happy Birthday, Rachel.” And then he continued “let me tell you what you mean to me.. the cool thing about you is..” He went on to enumerate the ways in which I have influenced and inspired him.

I had tears streaming down my face at the end of the message. It was such a beautiful gift. In a poignant one and half minute message, my friend made me feel loved and seen. He gave me the gift of seeing myself through his eyes.

And he has some incredible eyes. This is a friend who I admire and respect, who often serves as an inspiration to me. To know that he feels the same is deeply moving. It made me wonder if he how I feel about him.

How often do any of us take the time to tell our friends what they mean to us? How often do we thank the people in our lives for the way they shape and inspire us? How often do we acknowledge all the amazing individuals who have helped us become the people that we are today?

Research in positive psychology tells us that this giving act not only enhances the lives of those we tell, but enriches our own lives as well. The act of writing a letter of appreciation to someone who has been important to us, increases our own happiness. Gratitude breeds happiness which in turn breeds more happiness and more gratitude.

The simple act of reaching out to an old friend, a new friend, a teacher, a mentor, or a family member to tell them what they mean to you has the power to start a spiral of positivity. So sit down at the computer and write an email, or find that piece of stationary and fountain pen or simply pick up the phone. Give someone the gift of your appreciation.

Which reminds me, I have a phone call (and a favor) to return.

Six Ways to Know You are with the Right Person

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Love is in the air- or so all the commercials tell us.  Retailers sell us love and Hollywood and music sell us an image of what love should look like.  Not surprisingly, giant corporations might not be the best place for advice on our love lives.  So, if the flowers, the chocolates, and the diamonds are not the ideal way to tell if we are with the correct person, what is?  I offer six components to finding the “right” person (with the obvious stipulation that love comes in as many forms as there are people in the world.)

  1. The right person is the one you have fun with out on the town and at home on the couch. Valentine’s Day is all about going out and having an expensive night on the town. Commercials and popular culture tell us that romance and love are about excitement and glamor.  But long term intimate relationships may involve a lot of time just snuggling up at home.  You should be able to spend time with your partner wherever you find yourselves.
  2. The right person is the one, not without whom you could not live, but who has given you the strength to handle anything- including their absence. So often we think of love as the feeling that you could not go on without the other person.  There certainly is that kind of love.  But that love is not sustainable long term.  That kind of love consumes you as certainly as fire consumes kindling- hot, but depleting.  Lasting love is about a person who helps you find your own strength. You would, of course, prefer to be with your partner, but you know that you are stronger for having known them.  Their gift to you is a love that strengthens you as an individual as opposed to one that diminishes you.
  3. The right person is not only the one who holds your hand in public, but holds your head when you are throwing up. Romantic walks on the beach or holding hands at sunset are beautiful things. They are memories that you will treasure.  But life is composed of terrible times as well.  You will inevitably feel sick or weak (emotionally or physically.)  It is in those moments that you see the strength of your relationship. Is this person going to be there when times are tough as well as when you are flying high? The person who puts a cold cloth on your forehead when you are sick is probably going be able to handle life’s ups and downs.
  4. The right person is the one who is not afraid of your growth, but encourages your growth and grows along with you. If you are lucky enough to be in a long term relationship with another person, you will find that over time life changes you. This change, hopefully in the form of personal growth, is almost inevitable.  Couples “grow apart” all the time.  The right person is committed to helping you become the best version of yourself.  With any luck that person will grow along with you, increasing your compatibility.  It is not a sure thing- but it beats resenting the other person for their personal evolution.
  5. The right person is the one who knows all your deepest secrets and would never use them against you. If you trust your partner, you should be able to tell them your secrets and fears.  Moreover, intimacy means learning the good as well as the not so stellar qualities of your partner.  Being intimate with another person is about vulnerability and therefore, must also be about safety.  You need to know on some level that your partner will not use your weaknesses against you.
  6. The right person is the one who makes you laugh. They say that laughter is the best medicine.  It’s true.  Sometimes life is so absurd, or even so heartbreaking, that laughter is the only thing that will get you through.  The right person is the one who can make you laugh when you are happy, stressed or down. The right person can help you laugh at yourself and is open to being laughed at as well. Laughter doesn’t make hard times go away, but it can make those times bearable.

So, this Valentine’s Day, ask yourself if the person with whom you are sitting is the right person for you.  If they are, you are truly blessed. If they are not, it’s time for a change- either within the relationship, or moving on.

Volkswagen, We Need to Talk

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GoldieBlox, meet Volkswagen.  I think you have a lot to talk about.  Specifically, Volkswagen, don’t speak.  Listen.  You see, GoldieBlox is a toy company that markets engineering toys to little girls.  It asks them to summon their inner engineer and not their inner princess.  As a company, it takes seriously the intellects and aspirations of little girls and encourages them to grow up to be scientists or engineers or just full human beings with brains.

GoldieBlox won Intuit’s small business competition and secured the opportunity to air their celebration of young girls’ potential during the Super Bowl, an evening that is usually dedicated to demeaning and degrading images of women (yes, I’m talking to you, GoDaddy).  Their ad showed little girls collecting all of their sickly pink toys and launching them off into space in a rocket they built themselves.  “So come on ditch your toys… girls build like all the boys” plays in the background to the tune of Quiet Riot’s “Come on Feel the Noise.”

This is where you come in, Volkswagen. You see, you also aired an advertisement during the Super Bowl, and you are also interested in engineering.  Your farcical ad imagined that every time a Volkswagen reaches 100,000 miles an engineer gets his wings. Yes, somehow in 2014 you managed not to show any female engineers gaining their wings.

Wait, what do you say, Volkswagen.  You say that in your defense there was a female engineer in the ad.

I am glad you mentioned that because I was going to.  I assume you were referring to the lovely white coated be-speckled brunette in the elevator (we know she is smart because she is wearing glasses!!!).  Yes, the brunette who slaps the male engineer for what she deems to be inappropriate touching as a result of him sprouting his wings.

You see, that’s kind of the problem.  You think she counts.  But in your ad about engineers, your female engineer is still just a sexual object. You don’t take women seriously, which is foolish for many reasons, including the fact that we buy automobiles.

So, please, sit down.  Have a chat with GoldieBlox here.  They may be able to help you to see women as more than objects, and perhaps even hire a few.

When you’re done, GoldieBlox, I’d like to talk to you about visiting some schools.

Life Lessons Brought to You by Super Bowl Ads

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I love watching Super Bowl commercials (especially when my team isn’t playing). I think commercials are well produced stories about our society and I enjoy watching (and critiquing) those stories. I can’t say I was impressed with all the ads last night, but there were two that spoke to me as a coach.

The first ad was the Radio Shack ad in which celebrities and characters from the eighties stormed a lonely dilapidated Radio Shack demanding they get their store back… (the eighties called, they want their store back.) It’s a funny ad. I sat up when I saw it because, well, I have been to Radio Shack in the last couple years and had the same thought. Many people had. The ad is effective because it is an acknowledgment of a real problem for the brand and a bold repositioning of the business as a result.

The second ad that spoke to me was the Cheerios ad where a little girl bargains with her father for a puppy after learning that she has a baby brother on the way. The commercial features the same family that appeared in their controversial 2013 ad. Why was the ad controversial? Because the beautiful family featured is biracial. The advertisement received praise for spotlighting a family that looks like so many American families do today, yet at the same time, General Mills discontinued the comments on the youtube video after the forums became locations for airing racist attacks.

Why do I like the ad? First of all, because the ad is adorable- but also because Cheerios doubled down. They heard the criticism and they rejected it. They proudly declared “this is who we are.” They took a stand for what they believe in and what they stand for.

In thinking about the ads, I realized that they are related. Both companies were criticized. Both companies responded to their critics. Radio Shack heard the criticism, recognized its validity, and pivoted as a result. They listened, learned and acted. Cheerios similarly heard the criticism, and they rejected it. They didn’t accept the vision of the world or of their brand that their critics had. They used the criticism as an opportunity to confirm and celebrate their identity.

So why do these two ads speak to me as a coach? One of the most enduring truths is that taking criticism is hard. No one likes it (no matter what they say). But criticism always represents an opportunity. These two brands faced criticism and responded in diametrically opposed ways. But it is clear that they both heard their critics. One accepted the critique and the other rejected it. But the criticism gave them the opportunity to reflect.

For individuals (and not mega corporations) the same holds true. Listening to criticism gives you the opportunity to reflect and grow. Not all criticism is valid, but it has the advantage of making you stop and assess its validity. You can stop and define who you are. The judgments of others should not rule your life, but this does not mean that you should ignore them altogether. Criticism can represent opportunities to learn about yourself, your values and your goals and take powerful stands in honor of those things.

From Sixty to Zero

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We measure cars by how fast they can go from zero to sixty.  My husband once told me that the more important statistic is how fast they can go from sixty to zero.  Lately I have come to feel that his words of wisdom can be applied to life in general.  In our culture we value how quickly people can go from zero to sixty (and then eighty, ninety..) and how long they can function at maximum velocity.  We almost never value the opposite- how easily do people slow down, from sixty to zero (or twenty) and how well they stay there. Going from sixty to zero in cars is about safety.  In life, it is about sanity and health.

In our non-stop work world, we regularly work 50+ hour weeks (more in certain professions) and then come home only to be harassed by emails from work, the call of social networking sites and the other stresses of daily living.  Our children, stretched to the breaking point, are being steeped in this culture too- running from sports to music and then back to the house for hours of homework.  They do not have time for play or family.  Constantly scheduled, they do not how to be still.

Living such high velocity lives takes a toll on our bodies and minds.  We know from medicine that stress is a factor in heart disease, depression and even diabetes.  We know that lack of sleep diminishes health and well-being.  And yet we push ourselves harder- order another coffee, energy drink, or take medication to help us push through.  When we are too wired from the stress (and coffee, and energy drinks and meds), we anesthetize ourselves with alcohol and sedatives.

This holiday season give yourself a present.  Slow down.  Go from sixty to zero and enjoy the space it gives you.  Ignore email, your cellphone and the internet.  Let them zoom past you at the speed of information. Pull over and enjoy the view. When you are still, you gain perspective. When you are quiet, you hear the sounds of life- laughter and music.  At zero, more is available to you.

Of course, we cannot live at zero.  But maybe, after sitting there a bit, you will decide that when you speed up, you only want to take it to forty.

Thanksgiving Meditation

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May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful.  These are the words I say every night with my family as we sit together and practice our “loving kindness meditation.” In this meditative practice we, through a series of affirmations, acknowledge and honor our connection to each other and the larger world.  The practice, in which you send your love and kindness to an ever widening circle (from yourself, to a loved one, to an acquaintance, to someone who has been unkind to you, to the whole world), opens up your awareness, calms your mind and develops empathy.

This year at Thanksgiving, I have decided to meditate on the meaning of these four affirmations for this season.

May you be Happy:  As I sit with family and friends, I am aware of the love and joy in the room.  Happiness sits in these moments of connection, not in the crazy hubbub of impending black Friday.  Happiness is something within all of our reach, if we are open to it- and choose to see and savor it, even in the briefest of moments.  Happiness can then be the taste of the stuffing, the belly laugh of a child, the beauty of the table.  Not every person’s Thanksgiving is a Hallmark card.  There are stressful relationships, histories of pain and hurt.  Sometimes the holidays bring it all up in uncomfortable ways.  But happiness is possible in the small moments, and that happiness is in our power to create, hold and nurture.

May you be Well:  At the Thanksgiving table I will be sitting, smiling, talking, laughing, listening, breathing, and eating.  All of these are things I am able to do because I am blessed this year with physical health.  It is easy to forget the importance of this gift when we are so busy in our lives.  But this year I am thankful for all the ways my body works every day and the ways in which this allows me to appreciate and experience the world.  Not everyone is in perfect health.  But each of us can be thankful for the degree of health we do have and be grateful to be able to share at least one more holiday together.

May you be Safe:  This Thanksgiving I will be snuggled in with my family and friends in a warm house- safe from the cold and rain of a New England November.  The elements will not threaten me as they do the victims of typhoon Haiyan or the homeless on the streets of our cities.  I will not fear that missiles may rain down on my home or that roving militias will enter my house- things that could not be taken for granted in other parts of the world.  In my suburban home, I will not fear random street violence as others in less safe neighborhoods do.  I often take these things for granted.  This Thanksgiving I will be thankful of all the ways I am blessed to be safe.  Perhaps if we all recognized the degree to which our safety makes our lives possible, we would have more empathy for those who do not have that luxury.  Perhaps we might be motivated to make it so that more people could live in safety.

May you be Peaceful:   Through nightly meditation this year,  I have tapped into a source of calm and tranquility in myself that I had previously never experienced.  As a coach, teacher, wife, mother, friend and daughter, I often have more on my To Do list than feels possible.   However, the calm that I have found through mindfulness and meditation has allowed me to stop and breathe.  I have found stillness in the midst of commotion.  It has allowed me to be both happier and more productive.  In an era when we are always moving, checking our cell phones, email, texts and social media, being peaceful is something for which I am deeply thankful.

Your meditations may look different than mine, but this Thanksgiving, take a moment to identify the things for which you are thankful- both big and small.

May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Time Sanctuaries

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Abraham Heschel, the great Jewish philosopher and teacher, once spoke about the Sabbath as a sanctuary in time. Though not a devout Jew, I often think of his words. It is difficult to create sanctuaries in time these days because time is in such short supply. Making time requires setting limits and, as any parent knows, that is often hard to do. We are wired, our work is wired, and even our children are wired. In our era of constant connectivity, of time measured in the nanosecond and new and improved ways of breaking boundaries, we are increasingly poor at creating them.

And boundaries are important. The ability to set healthy boundaries in personal relationships allows us to know where “You” end and “I” begin, and only with that knowledge can we hope to build an “Us.” The ability to set healthy boundaries at work allows us to differentiate the office from the home- something too many of us with our smartphones on the dinner table seem to have forgotten. The ability to set boundaries in public life creates civility and the ability to self-govern.

We must erect such boundaries so that we can build our own sanctuaries in time. We need sanctuaries in time; spaces within our lives that are not overscheduled, over stimulated, drowned out by the sound of iPods, talk radio, or cluttered with twitter, Facebook or the latest social network site.

For Rabbi Heschel, the Sabbath, one of Judaism’s most sacred sanctuaries in time, was about contemplating the holy. For me, sanctuaries in time have come to be about regaining contact with what it means to be human in an increasingly computerized world. For me, sanctuaries in time are deeply connected to family.

Like any edifice of worth, my sanctuary is being built slowly. I have to fight the urge to check my phone every two minutes for an update. I have learned to sit quietly for a little while each day. I have fought against my children’s desires to be online all the time, informing them that there are hours during the day when all electronics must be off. But as I enforce the screen time rule in my house, and make the dinner table a place where technology is not welcome, we are setting up a boundary around our family. We are finding space to relate to each other as humans and we are learning to enjoy each other. My family and I are erecting something profoundly human and perhaps as close to the divine in this world as we are going to get- a Sanctuary of Together Time.